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NOT WORTHY NEWS - February 8, 2025 (Beijing). General Secretary Xi Jinping announced a plan today to save the Palisades. Xi said “I have been moved by the great suffering of the Palisadeans. The people of China cannot stand by idly and watch this tragedy unfold without providing assistance. “ Xi announced that China would take over the Palisades and transform it into a world-class destination that would be enjoyed by the “people of the World.” Xi provided images of a completely revitalized Palisades that includes resorts, shopping and ample entertainment venues. Xi observed that the Palisadeans had no home to which they could return, so there is no reason for them to remain.
Asked where the Palisadeans would be relocated, Xi said they would be moved to Mexico and Canada. “Many leaders around the World have called me to applaud me for my bold and humane plan,” said Xi. Xi refused to indicate the identity of these leaders, and no World leaders supporting the idea could be located. President Sheinbaum of Mexico stated flatly, “No US citizens will be allowed to come at the order of Xi.” Prime Minister Trudeau of Canada mirrored this response by calling the very idea “absurd.” Xi calmly responded that their current opposition would soon be corrected, and that these disaster victims will be “warmly welcomed” by Mexico and Canada. Xi went on to say that Canada and Mexico would pay for the rebuilding of the Palisades, adding “no Chinese citizen will bear the economic burden of this rebuilding that is the rightful obligation of the Canadian and Mexican governments.”
When Palisadeans were asked about relocating, the response was overwhelmingly “NO.” Xi indicated that where necessary Chinese troops would be used to help guide these recalcitrant Palisadeans to reeducation centers in Mexico and Canada. Xi lamented the need for aggressive persuasion of uncooperative Palisadeans but noted that sometimes he must be forceful even with his own children, because he knows what is in their best interests. In an effort to ameliorate any discomfort in being relocated, Xi promised to provide Spanish language podcasts to those heading to Mexico and savory and tasty moose meat recipes to those going to Canada.
This reporter inquired whether President Trump had been consulted. Xi responded, “Who?” The White House issued a prompt response saying that taking sovereign US land was problematic, but that forgetting Trump was unforgivable. President Trump personally delivered a rambling, incoherent and vitriolic missive indicating that the US is unlikely to allow this land to be taken China, and that the next instance in which Xi forgets who Trump will be greeted with nuclear attack. Trump fumed “Vlad and Rocket Man never treated me this way.” Xi assured the press that Trump’s opposition would be quickly resolved, and that he understood Trump’s fears. China typically prevents convicted felons from entry into areas under their control, but that China would likely make exception for Trump to enter under limited conditions.
When Wang Yi, Chinese Minister of Foreign Affairs, was asked about the plan, he stated, “What? That’s crazy. I have heard nothing about this.” Mr. Yi’s office later clarified his position with this statement: “Upon further reflection and consultation, the Chinese people support the bold and wise proposal by General Secretary Xi and stand united in implementing this historic and profoundly thoughtful solution to the natural disaster suffered by Palisadeans.”
The UN Secretary General indicated that the forced removal of Palisadeans constitutes a crime under international law. The Mr. Yi retorted that the only non-immigrants in this area are the Gabrielino Indians, who comprise less than 1/10% of Palisadeans. Mr. Yi further noted that Gabrielino law provided no support for colonization of this area, and therefore the people being removed are illegal aliens whose rights are not being violated by forced removal.
A stunned World will continue to watch this quickly evolving story.
(J. George Mansour was born and raised in Missouri and has long been a student of political science and international relations. Mr. Mansour is now based in Austin Texas, where he remains an active investor in a variety of businesses.)
