ALPERN AT LARGE-This has been one of my happiest Father's Days. On vacation with my family, and spending quality time exploring the caves, mountains, deserts, sand dunes, national parks and other wonders (both man-made and natural) in Utah and Colorado, I couldn't be happier. Yet Father's Day has a troubled history compared to that of Mother's Day, and it's one that will likely to remain troubled for the indefinite future.
Much of what is associated with being a "real man" has been disputed and evolving throughout history, and count me in as one of those who proclaims that much (maybe even most!) of our state's, nation's and world's problems are all wrapped up in a simple problem: there are too many "bad boys" and not enough "good men".
While "real men" always retain that elemental boy deep inside, they also know when to STOP being boys and START being men.
Fortunately, I had an excellent role model of what a "good man" and a "real man" was and is: my own father, Robert Martin Alpern, who had a lousy start in his adult life at the hands of his own father, but who then made doggone sure he would be a better role model when it came to his own kids.
For all those who knew him as a high-level expert and civil engineer in the City of LA Dept. of Sanitation and Refuse, Robert Alpern was a leader and problem solver trusted by the City Council and to the front-line sanitation workers (who take care of all the dirty-but-vital jobs we rely on in a civilized society ... or at least a society that likes their food and water healthy and clean, and expects their trash and waste to "magically disappear").
Robert Alpern was also a role model as someone who--as an adult--had no problem going back to school and getting multiple advanced degrees, and who both emotionally and financially supported his wife and kids getting their own advanced degrees. He loved to kid around, but he also had no problem talking about the real, adult world to kids filled with so many questions.
Robert Alpern (or "Bob" as he was and is known) always did and still does believe in reading, watching and learning, and not being afraid to evolve his opinion if life or reality indicates it. He certainly was and is the role model for me to encourage my son and daughter to pursue and excel in school, Scouts, and learning about our environment and our treasured national park system.
But most importantly, he stuck around. My Dad also appreciated me more when I stood up to him in our inevitable growing-up disputes, and he also appreciated me more when I pursued my own pursuits (to which he did NOT always relate).
He supported me when I needed it the most. I just hope I can do the same for my own two children, and be the stable, always-working column of support for my wife and kids like Robert Alpern clearly was. Whether I succeed or fail is, ultimately, proven not by own opinion but that of my family's.
That's what is most important about being a Dad--it's very different from being a Mom, although there's increasing crossover between what is "paternal" and "maternal". Yet being able to take a punch, and not run away, is very different (and, in our so-called "modern, enlightened" society, is increasingly tough on men who must work harder to be that "real man").
I'm sure that some reading this will jump up (literally and/or figuratively ... boing!) and proclaim that (boing!) men and women are inherently the same, and that (boing!) their struggles are the same, and proclaim that (boing!) men have it easier than women, and proclaim that (boing!) women need more support. To some degree, all of that is true, but it's also not the whole and/or simple story.
And for those who STILL feel inherently compelled (boing! boing! boing!) to keep asking "what about women?", then perhaps it's time to move on to another CityWatch column or read something else. This isn't for you, although keeping an open mind for different perspectives is usually a good idea.
Not to try to set the bar too low, but male mammals ARE wired in a manner that's very different from female mammals, and human beings are one of those rare mammalian species where the males are NOT supposed to bail on the females after mating ... and when that does happen, it's considered craven and subhuman.
... and, for women who choose to befriend men more than women, I doubt this is too much of a secret. For those women (often single mothers because of either circumstance, betrayal or their own lousy choices) who still decry the lousy behavior of so many "men" (bad behavior does NOT make for a good or real "man"), they have my deepest sympathy that they never found that "real man" in their lives.
When I was in my formulative years in college, I was particularly impressed by the various historical role models that different societies defined as being a "real man". My favorite, by far, was that of Aeneas, the surviving leader of Troy who listened to his slain wife's ghost and urged him to NOT fight and die (which was his desire, but would have been in vain) but to lead his family and doomed city away from the invading Greeks to safety.
So when Aeneas instead gathered his very young son by the hand, carried his aged father on his back, and led the survivors of Troy on a wandering voyage that ended in Italy (and mythologically led to the founding of Rome), I was drawn to the dedication of the mundane-but-necessary ideals and actions of my own father.
I knew it then, and I know it now. Even back in Greco-Roman times, the importance of NOT quitting, to retreat only as a tactical move, and to choose one's battles carefully was central to the ideal of what a man SHOULD be--whether it be a mythological character like Aeneas (survivor of Troy, founder of Rome) or Cincinnatus (fought the Gauls during the day, tended his fields at night), or my very real engineer/assistant scoutmaster father.
"Real men" don't go away, even when they're not getting along too well their wives and children--and while they might have to move or work far away from home, they keep coming back again and again and again and endure yet another punch in the face, kick in the groin and other abuse that only heartless bosses, button-pushing wives, rebellious children and abusive governments can offer.
And they get married BEFORE kids, DON'T run around with other women, are NOT afraid to go to individual or couples counseling, and GO to the doctor and stay healthy because...well...to do "otherwise" would just be too horrible for their wives and children.
My apologies to the Millennials, Hollywood jetsetters and wannabes, or anyone else who've experienced this "otherwise", but the happiest women and children are those who both have a supportive husband/father and role model, and then appreciate what they do by saying "thanks" every once in awhile.
There's a reason why women like men so much who "make them laugh"...they're the kind who won't go away, and won't leave them miserable, overworked and unfulfilled by leaving them for whatever selfish reasons suit his needs. Of course, men need love and appreciation, too, and modern/popular culture, paradigms and divorce law tends to marginalize, belittle and disempower men, which is part of why Father's Day is now so critical.
But while men rely on, and thrive on, the love and adoration of their wives and children, they know it is THEIR job to laugh and keep a straight face (regardless of what they really feel) when the going gets tough, and to provide the warmth and security that only a father can offer.
Because a good mother is like the ground below your feet--readily accessible and easily perceived--that is a vital and excellent source of foundation and nourishment, and that everyone in the family easily knows of and cherishes.
Yet a good father is like the sun high above--distant and frequently taken for granted--until it is gone, leaving the world darker, colder, scarier, and a whole lot sadder to a family who otherwise happily thrives from his all-too-invisible light.
Let's hear it for those fathers who choose to keep shining their light on their beloved children.
(Ken Alpern is a Westside Village Zone Director and Board member of the Mar Vista Community Council (MVCCT), previously co-chaired its Planning and Outreach Committees, and currently is Co-Chair of its MVCC Transportation/Infrastructure Committee. He is co-chair of the CD11 Transportation Advisory Committee and chairs the nonprofit Transit Coalition, and can be reached at [email protected] . He also does regular commentary on the Mark Isler Radio Show on AM 870, and co-chairs the grassroots Friends of the Green Line at www.fogl.us . The views expressed in this article are solely those of Mr. Alpern.)
CityWatch
Vol 12 Issue 49
Pub: June 17, 2014
